How something is said has more impact than the words or data used.
Tone, or energy as I relate to it, trumps the words any day. Everything we communicate has an energy with it. That energy is what drives the reaction.
As humans we have learned so many negative habits and we are unaware of the effects they carry. All of us have these habits. They could be in the words we use, our facial expressions and body language, they could be in the pitch of our voices, or the written phrases we text, email, or post.
Many times we communicate in a lower energy level, or a negative tone, and we expect results of a higher energy, or positive response. And guess what? We don’t get it. Then we get frustrated and wonder why. It won’t be until we match our energy with what we expect that we will align the experience with our expectation.
I have taught a communications course for many years. A very important part of the class that I like to spend a bit of time on is understanding the effect of our tone. You can learn the skills to communicate better but until you grasp this concept and apply it, the level of the communication and the experiences that surround it will not change.
Even though I teach this and I ‘get’ the concept, it’s a consistent lesson in life. I have so many unconscious behaviors and beliefs that keep me out of alignment. Many times I don’t realize what I am putting out until I take the time to look back on situations. This is an area we can always always grow and improve in.
The other day I saw a post from someone seeking a leadership position that started with the terms “I hate I have to do this..” It was about asking for donations for a campaign. The whole post was in a negative energy from the words used to the tone of the post. For someone wanting to lead, campaigning is part of the process. Hating to ask for financial support tells me a lot more about their character when it comes to leadership. To me, this post screamed: “I am not confident in who I am to lead. I am fighting energetically against this position as much as I am fighting for it.”
This post effected me as a possible supporter because I like to support leaders that want to make a difference and own every piece of the ‘ugly’ parts of what it takes to lead. A leader that can hold tight in tough situations and know their missions is so much larger than the little things. To me, asking for donations shouldn’t even be a concern, just part of the process. There is a good chance this leader believes the same as me when it comes to leadership, but the energy was off that day. The energy behind the post was exact opposite and makes a large impact. For some, a long-lasting, negative impact.
We can’t be perfect, we are human. We will never be-rid of all of our bad habits. We will always be communicating with another person, with their bad habits. Its part of the journey. So is learning, growing, and make a difference where and when we can. To me, communication is a foundational skill that is worth self reflecting and making an effort to be better each day.
In the midst of the chaos I find my why.
When we are in the middle of the storm it’s so easy how we forget all the things that we know. When I get caught up in the moment with the things that frustrate me, I tend to have a mental block that it is in that very moment that I am growing the most. It’s in those moments that the decision to shift back to a healthy mindset is so powerful in experiencing what I desire in life and aligning with my purpose.
I met a new friend after moving across the country and last night I was reading her book (check it out on amazon). I happened to get a couple minutes of down time to read and the couple of pages were on obstacles. I really truly do believe obstacles are given to us to help us grow. We can choose to let the obstacle to define us or we can see an obstacle for what it is, a learning experience that helps us grow.
Last night I also happened to be writing up some class descriptions for an upcoming class that I am teaching. When I stopped my ‘doing’ and realized the perfect alignment, it was clear to me that the very skills I am teaching are the skills that if I apply, will help me personally with my obstacles.
Could the universal energy be more direct and clear in answering exactly what I was seeking at the moment? The answer is always there, its our choice if we want to see it or not. The last few days I have had a question over and over again on why I am choosing a path that seems to not make any sense to my logical brain – but yet my heart is so clear it is exactly the right path.
It was in the midst of the chaos I found my why. I had to go through the frustrations. I had to analyse it (my scientific brain needs this piece). I needed to walk through the storm and also lean on my support around me (thanks mom and hubby) to see so clearly and find my why again. For me, I lost my purpose in the journey… for just a couple of days, but it felt like a lifetime! Maybe I never lost it but it was hid for a bit.
What became very clear almost instantly was that the challenges I face are the exact challenges I am supposed to learn and grow from. That the world doesn’t have to look like it went once did or how others think it should. I’m where I am today along my journey to create a new path that’s never been created before. A path where thriving is the only option. Where human beings come together instead of tear each other apart. A path where love leads and fear subsides.
Training our brains to let go of fear and create the life we want can be a challenge!
We have had so many broke records playing in our heads ever since we were young that have put fear based thoughts of how life should be, is, or can’t be. We have rooted some really self-debilitating believes in the core of ourselves that hold us back.
When we finally crack the window open and start to see light we open ourselves up to experiencing a whole new world. One full of possibilities and creation.
Then comes tomorrow, the day we slip back into old patterns of thinking and being.
Because of this reality it is so important that we never loose sight of learning, growing, and training our brain to be in alignment with what we want. We need to surround ourselves with reminders to think and feel what we would like to experience.
I happened to have fallen into the world of leadership development a few years ago and it was clear to me right away that the real work begins once we walk out of a classroom. It is because of this that I got our team together and we gathered up our favorite statements to help us remember what we teach. We started a daily email for our participants to help them start their day off remembering who they want to be. From there it evolved into including favorite quotes and sayings and has now grown into hundreds of daily Inspirations.
I would love to share these with you. You can sign up for free and start receiving yours the next business day. You can unsubscribe any time you would like (although most people never do). Simply visit our website www.discoversee.com/inspirations.
If you already receive SEE Inpsirarions, I would love to hear your comments. If not, sign up and please come back and share. This is something our team continues to work on as a gift to whomever would like it. We add more all the time.
I had coffee with a beautiful new friend today and something came up in our conversation that I want to write about today. For me blogging is a way to articulate thoughts and bring a deeper experience to some powerful life lessons. There are different stages of learning. Bloom’s Taxonomy is a great example of the stages of how we learn. We really don’t start knowing something until we start to apply it. We don’t fully learn something new until we are able to create new experiences from the knowledge. This takes time and depth. This random piece of info really has nothing to do with the purpose of this blog post about resistance… squirrel!
When we are resisting something, we are bringing it into our reality – into our experience. When we are fighting against something we are often doing as much harm as allowing what we don’t want to occur, to occur. This is simply because we are bringing power to the exact situation that we do not want. (yes, feel free to re-read. Then continue on and lets see if this makes sense)
We have an experience that we don’t like. We try to get away from it and we do not know how. So our first instinct is to fight it. To put up our hands and say no, I will not allow this. However; in the shear energy that we carry with our fight, it is like we are emotionally experiencing what we do not want. We may stop it physically but we still feel the emotional experience. Therefore bringing the experience into our reality.
We will really experience what it is that we WANT to experience, when learn to let go of the resistance and the fight of what is it we DO NOT want.
Lets play with some examples: Good VS Evil. We experience evil, we know we do not want it. Our thoughts and behaviors then tend to go into resist/fight mode against evil. This might look like: “I don’t want evil to be in my life. We must stop the evil. Evil is bad. Evil makes me feel bad.” Wrapped in these thoughts and feelings is what? It is evil. We are continuing to bring exactly what we do not want to experience into our experience.
So then how do we grow beyond this space to a space where we experience what we desire, which in this example is ‘good’? This looks like: “I have good in my life. I embrace the goodness around me. Good makes me feel peaceful and happy. Good is a great space to experience.” When we are in this space, we simply don’t even bring into our world the evil – it doesn’t exist in the space. This is when we start to experience what we want to instead of continuing to experience what do not want.
Another example is feedback and how we talk to others. Using an example of being a parent talking to our kids: “You are not stupid. You are not ugly. You are not mean.” This feedback that is wrapped in bringing what they ‘are not’ into a conscious reality. Whereas: “You are smart. you are beautiful. You are kind.” leaves no space for what we do NOT want them to feel or know.
Where in your life are you bringing experiences that you do not want simply through resistance and trying to stop it?
One thing I learned years ago is growth happens around the moments we are triggered. Those moments when we react. We get angry, we go into fight or flight mode, we get defensive, or we hide away. Also the subtle triggers, like when we judge others and ourselves.
Though I may have learned this lesson a while ago, like many lessons I have not unlearned all the things that keep me away from growing and learning when triggered. The first step to any growth is awareness. I know that I get caught up in day to day routines, bad habits, and even conforming to the environment around me, that I simply forget to be aware. A trigger comes up and then goes away, many times unnoticed.
Triggers can be many things. It’s really any reaction or behavior that stems from fear or from a place that is not aligned with our authentic self. It can be irritation, anger, anxiety, depression, grief, and what I believe to be one of the most harmful: judgement. Judgement can spin into a whole new blog so I won’t go all the way there. Lets just say we were given judgement to protect. There is judgment when we judge what is right or wrong for to help protect us (the good stuff we need to follow). Then there is judgement that is demeaning and egotistic (the stuff that hurts us and other around us).
The last couple of weeks have unveiled a few more layers of triggers for me. Triggers that have been active for a while, showing up often. However, I have been so caught up in autopilot and probably wrapped in some fear and anxiety without even realizing it, that I never stopped to notice them. Do you experience this? For me a couple of triggers have been on repeat and they will continue until I decide to take a look at them and use them as the gift they are.
What triggers us… is the exact piece of life where we are ready for growth. It’s the moment when we are frustrated, angry, or scared about something that brings into our reality the exact part that is ready to transform. The crazy cool thing is the transformation is usually never about what we think it is about in the middle of the storm. In fact, the growth lies in the one thing we are resisting and often refuse to see. Its when we start to understand our triggers, as well as others close to us, that we can become aware of the what sets them off. Then we start to transform, grow, heal, and start to experience new levels of life.
The more we lock onto the fight, standing our ground on what our perception is at the moment that seems so right, the more stuck we stay. We repeat patterns and experiences and wonder why we keep getting the same results (insanity right?).
The science of Emotional Intelligence is one of my favorites and I one continue to learn more and more about. Growing up where crying wasn’t aloud and emotions were those things that made women go crazy before their period, being introduced to the skills of EQ had a lot of ‘ah ha‘ moments for me.
Learning what emotions are was a big piece for me. I dove into this learning in various aspects of my life. I was blessed to be able to learn behavioral science in a corporate environment (helpful for practical application) and also experience taking a deeper dive into understanding emotions and how they flow through our body in Kundalini teacher training.
I was filling each side of my brain full of good new ‘food for thought’. My logistical brain that needs explanation and proof, as well as how I could relate to the world around me was being fulfilled. Meanwhile, I was learning more than I ever could have imagined about my faith, creativity, and expression. From these experiences came new skills, new thoughts, new experiences.
The first step of Emotional Intelligence is self-awareness. It is only when we become really aware of how our behaviors impact our experiences and learn how our believes, our thoughts, and our emotions all impact our behaviors that we can even start to begin. For me.. I dove all in. I learned so much about myself in a short period of time, more than many ever learn about themselves in a life-time.
The rest of the skills taught in EQ that follow self-awareness became a practical guideline for continued growth. It wasn’t long into my learning that I quickly knew these were the foundational skill sets to every aspect of life. Through EQ is when we get to know us, we get to know the core of who we are and we also learn who others are. We learn how to understand and manage our behaviors through inner work. Its where we really learn empathy and truly connecting with others. Through relationships, everything is built. As I grow my own EQ, I become a better mom, a better wife, friend, co-worker, and just a better person. Most important, I become a better, a stronger me.
I own a leadership development company and a couple of years ago we started diving into re-doing our competency work. Though we have taught Emotional Intelligence for years; the impact and depth has, and still does, have room to grow. We moved this to the 1st competency to learn before communication because we realized how important it is for us to raise our own EQ before we can learn any new skills. If any of you reading this are interested you can check our EQ1 online course. This course is a very practical, scientific driven course related to workplace development.
One day soon I will blog more on my understanding of emotions, probably a few times. I even started a book on it years ago as it was, and still is, a very large part of my journey.
Yesterday was International Women’s Day. All over social media I saw posts celebrating and supporting not only our rights as women but encouraging women to believe in their selves and lifting each other up. I LOVE seeing this. I am very much an advocate for women shining.
I have been a woman in a mans world throughout my life. I have broke the barriers of what a women ‘should do or be’. I have fought for respect in the business world. I have also played the victim and have learned many hard lessons that could have taken me down paths of destruction.
I also know that as I learned my own self-worth, when I overcame whatever voices in my head that said I was not enough, that the men that showed up in my life treated me as equal. In business, and at home. It all started with me and my growth.
Another lesson I have learned is that women and men play very different roles. We have different strengths. Men hide their strengths as much as women do. Men tend to hide behind their ego, while women tend to just hide. The unhealthy behavior of both men and women stem from the same place inside that is wrapped with fear and the voices of what we have been taught. We have just learned over the years different ways to hide it, cover it up, and adopt unhealthy behaviors that continue to hurt.
When men find their inner power through their heart and learn to lead through love, the influence is amazing. We see healing and growth. Men who learn to overcome their fears and step up provide the space for women to step up and live from their hearts. Together it creates a symphony that flows. The world begins to change.
I know I would not be who I am or where I am without the amazing men around me. I also know the men around me wouldn’t be who they are without the powerful women around them. The masculine and feminine energy is meant to work together, to life each other up.
I believe that we will experience life beyond our imagination when we learn to lead together and not against each other. I would love to see as many posts celebrating men in November as I saw yesterday celebrating women.
Being healthy is a balance. I am finding that blogging helps with my personal health, maybe in all areas. Thank you to all of you that support the journey and are joining me. It is fun to connect in a different way that seems really healthy for all of us. I have been asked how I have time to blog with all I have going on. The answer is simple to me: I find the value in it, so I find time. It seems to flow and fit at the right moments.
I don’t believe we will ever be in perfect balance. We have our moments when we feel that we are and then wam! something happens and knocks us off the scale. What I do believe is that when we experience things in moderation and we make time for various aspects of life that are important to us, we feel more fulfilled and enjoy the moments at a deeper level.
As we learn to become present in the moment we learn what is good for us. When we are aware we can choose what we want to eat or don’t eat because of how it makes us feel. We can see unhealthy mindsets and change them. We can connect with others to have meaningful relationships that are fulfilling and stay away from the toxic ones.
The more we learn about who we are, or un-learn who/what we are not, the more we grow into being the person we want to be. It is a journey. And it is not a linear journey, it is a messy one. 2 steps forward, 5 back and 4 to the side kind of journey. The day we think we have it figured out is usually the day we are awakened to how much we have nothing figured out.
I have had a lot of fun in various areas of my life trying to ‘find’ my balance. I look forward to sharing a bit of the pieces along the way that I have and will experience. I look forward to reading comments of those that have tried similar paths or had different experiences.
Stay tuned as I journey through yoga and meditation, sugars and toxins, fast food and tight schedules, loosing love and finding it, financial freedom and financial fears, leadership skills from corporate to parenthood, PJ’s to high heels, co-dependency and attachment, relationships, illness and death, being outdoors, traveling, to drinking beer and going to church (not at the same time).
For anyone who has sat through one of my Emotional Intelligence classes you probably have heard the story of my dads influence as a teen.
As most dads he was probably completely lost on how to love his daughter through the teen years. We had many ups and downs. However, there was something he always tried to do when we (or I ) was having one of those days where the world was ending.
He would make me sit through a funny movie. I remember many times he had to drag me to a theater and I was so stubborn I would fight him the whole way and most of the time at least half way through the show. However, what he locked onto was the result.
Without a doubt no matter how upset I was at him or the world, no matter how much I fought him to go, I would walk out of there with a smile on my face. It was his way of getting me to laugh. Because he knew that when I could get myself to an emotional state of laughing, I could get through anything.
Laughter has a way of healing. A way of us enjoying the journey and opens our eyes to see that maybe some things are not as bad as we make them out to be. In the moment we are laughing the weight is lifted, our EQ is raised, and we can make better decisions.
We are learning new skills from the day we are born. We take action in doing something. Reading, watching, experiencing, listening – however it is that we choose to learn. We learn the basics of eating, walking, and taking care of ourselves. We also learn how to survive mentally. We learn our core beliefs that drive our behaviors as we grow. We learn to be conditioned to our environment, whatever/wherever that is.
We grow, we change, and our world changes. What we don’t learn in school is how to un-learn. The reality is what worked for me at one point in my life, doesn’t necessarily work for me now. We can learn all the new skills that we want – our brains are amazing. But until we learn to un-learn the beliefs, the mindsets, and the behaviors that no longer serve us (and possibly never did) will won’t be able to put those new skills to the test and see what we can create.
I can tell you that my largest challenges in my personal growth have not come from learning something new. They have, and continue to be, in un-learning what is holding me back.
When I learn to let go of what I think is right or wrong, or what I know to be true and I choose to see things from a new perspective – new awakenings always appear. It is in these times is when transformation takes place. The kind you feel from deep inside that is so peaceful and feels so right. These moments are not usually huge and profound, they are little moments during each day.
I have this picture painted in my head that there is a box of light shining so bright from the core of the earth, through the ground below. The box is keeping that light at bay and every time I unlearn its like a hole in the box that allows that light to shine through. The box that I think is protecting me is also the box that is keeping the light inside. When there are enough holes, the walls start to come down as well until there is nothing more to block the unlimited potential. This is what un-learning feels like to me.