This past year I have stepped into a space of exactly where I needed to be. From the moment the page turned, I have known every step along the way I am doing what I am supposed to. What I didn’t understand or know, is how that feels. I expected to feel a high, to be in the ultimate space of giving and love. To feel amazing.
I have experienced a depth of challenges over the past 5 years. I believed this last year was going to be a journey into spreading my wings after so many broken, clipped, and torn apart pieces. I was ready. I had created love and support like never before. I was ready to let go all I had been holding back and live to my highest potential.
I believed I could walk through fire and not be burned. I thought I went through what was needed to soar.
Instead, I stepped into a world that is hard and challenging. It has not been a high, or a great feeling – it has been a daily tear down of growth. That core of knowing and faith has been a solid foundation. The depth of love and support is solid like I had never experienced. At the surface, however, the day to day experiences has been the complete opposite.
I stepped into an industry that is not emotionally intelligent, nor evolved in authenticity. I stepped into a world where it seems like every aspect of the journey was against me. I surrounded myself around people that I forgot existed. People that have forgotten who they are as humans. People that live in so much fear that they have learned to live not only through their egos, but in lies and anger. Out to get each other at every corner. There are days I believed humanity, the human spirit, love is gone.
To not only see, but to experience everyone surrounding me that is living in fear. People have forgotten to live from their heart. To connect with others, to see others as human beings. I got dragged in, I forgot to see others as humans as they fight and attack. I got caught up in their fears and my own. All along, my insides are screaming like a little kid to see the fears behind the actions. To see the human spirit that is hid away through material pieces of life. Constantly struggling between my head and my heart. Between protection and acceptance. A struggle between fear and love.
I was placed exactly where I was needed to spread my wings. Because this is life. It is a journey of un-learning. To un-learn you have to experience what needs to go. Real love is found in the trenches of every day.
During my time of healing (in my previous chapter of life) I surrounded myself with comfort and love. I surrounded myself with those that choose to live from their heart. I was surrounded with what I needed. People that understood life at a much deeper level and chose to rise above the pain and fears. I connected with that community. I know what it is to walk away from the trenches and live in love and be surrounded by it. That is where it feels amazing. For me, that is also can be a place of hiding. Its a place that becomes easy to love and easy to forget the rest of the world that is existing, a world that is in pain and hurting.
I thought that spreading my wings and soaring was more of the feel good space. It wasn’t, it isn’t. Because the love found among all the ugliness is when we start to really experience the source of the light, the power of love, and to really see what fear causes. The greater the contrast, the greater the experience. We don’t know the level of love until we have experienced the level of pain. We don’t get to help others find the light, until we find the light in the dark for our self.
My wings are mended on and torn to shreds. Just as our bodies, they heal. They will never be like new, but they are still there. Still attached and able to fly. My wings are not meant to soar above the rest. My wings are meant to carry those I love to the nest. This journey of deep love has just begun.